I am not good at friendship.
I am not good at being a friend.
I missed learning all those nifty little social cues as a child, when to be quiet, when to talk, when to back off, when to extend a hand. I’m not asking for pity, or comfort, but simple understanding.
There are many of us out there who don’t know how to interact with people; we’re shy, cautious, nervous. We say inappropriate things at inappropriate times, trying to break the ice, but making things worse in the end. We either avoid eye contact, scared of what we’ll see in someone else’s eyes, or hold it too long, trying to make a connection that has long since departed.
It’s hard to tell when people are annoyed at us, or just annoyed in general. We take all brushoffs to heart, when we need to learn to let go. We wait too long to reach out, to renew a friendship, only to find that our friends have moved on in our absence.
We are introverted, unable to connect, unable to see the world as others do. The thought of spending hours upon hours with others makes us panic, shake, cry. We do not know why others seek it out, when all we want is silence.
But still, we want to be liked, we want to be loved. We want to have that easy camaraderie that every one else seems to have, that we lack. We want to be *that* person, the center of attention, but when we finally are the center of attention, we freeze, run away, hide.
I’ve known for years that my sense of humor rarely meshed with anyone else – I’m sarcastic, dry, and prone to inane ramblings about nothing. I do not mean to offend anyone with my ill-timed comments, but in my head, they are quite witty. Until they tumble out of my mouth, the meaning lost, the words scrambled. And I am left looking like a fool.
I want to be your friend, I really do. I just don’t know how. I’m trying, every single day, I watch others interact and try to learn from them. But in the end, I think, it’s something that comes natural to a lot of people, but not to me.
Accepting it is hard, I truly want to be liked. And I truly want to like other people, I try to find ways that I’m similar to them, to find some common ground. History, tastes in movies, etc. Even something as simple as a peanut butter & mayo sammich. There are a thousand and one ways we can connect with people, a thousand and one things in common. But gathering up the courage to take that first step is hard.
But I’m trying. I am.
So forgive my ill-thought words and sarcasm. I mean well, I do.